Welcome (from me to me)
I want to try to write again. I don't know what about - whether it's about the minute details of my life, or about my inner thoughts. I haven't been able to put my inner thoughts into writing in a while, I have gotten so unaccustomed to it. Maybe I have even gotten unaccustomed to thinking them. It used to be fairly easy for me (to write, and I suppose to think as well). But then the ease of access to my previous online journal, and the lack of anonymity, along with the fear of my fiance that I was revealing our whole life to strangers on the internet - all of that (combined with my general wellbeing and happiness) came together and put a stop to my writing. I think that whenever I write, I feel that I am a better person. Not a happier person, for sure - because I typically want to write the most when I am unhappy. But at least a person who thinks and examines and ponders everything. And i like myself more when I do that.
Things in my life have slowly been coming together. I suppose it's still hard for me to believe that I am happy, and that I deserve to be happy. To this day it seems fleeting and I have these ridiculous fears that it will end. This is why I don't think about it too much, and I don't write. I don't write because writing requires acknowledging the truth, and truth can be scary. So it's much easier not to write, not to think too much, and to remain ignorant about your fears and shortcomings.
This is my last week at home. We are moving out and into our first apartment together. It's so amazingly exciting. One hour I'm bursting with excitement, and the next I am ridden with fear. I guess it's normal. Everything can be described as "normal," so I frankly have no idea what normal is. People are so different. Tons of people live with their boyfriends, lots of my friends are doing it and it is objectively speaking, no big deal. But it is really big to me. It's so entirely new and huge. I have been waiting for this for so long. I don't know what to expect. When I close my eyes and picture it, I can foresee completely different ways in which this can all unfold.
Next monday I go back to school. Back to going through the motions of pretending to be a student who gives a damn about what she is studying. I dread questions about my career, about what kind of law I want to practice. I have no idea why I am in law school. I mean sure, I know why I am there, but I have no good reason for being there. I hope it will all somehow fall into place, but I am not optimistic enough to believe that I will ever be truly satisfied professionally speaking. I am a smart, intelligent person. So certainly I could not have been a hairdresser or something equally mind-numbing. I graduated from an Ivy League college. But that's about it. There's nothing that I want to do (professionally speaking), there is nothing that I am itching to accomplish. I am lost in this, just as I have always been lost. I don't want to work. But I also don't want to not work. At my job this past summer I hated the feeling of being confined to an office for some set number of hours each day (heck - for majority of hours in a day!). But there's no way around it I guess. Unless I become a professor, but I am neither smart enough nor driven enough to become one. What will become of me? This cannot end well.
It's bad for me to be home and to do nothing all day. I hope I can make it through this week without losing my mind.
Things in my life have slowly been coming together. I suppose it's still hard for me to believe that I am happy, and that I deserve to be happy. To this day it seems fleeting and I have these ridiculous fears that it will end. This is why I don't think about it too much, and I don't write. I don't write because writing requires acknowledging the truth, and truth can be scary. So it's much easier not to write, not to think too much, and to remain ignorant about your fears and shortcomings.
This is my last week at home. We are moving out and into our first apartment together. It's so amazingly exciting. One hour I'm bursting with excitement, and the next I am ridden with fear. I guess it's normal. Everything can be described as "normal," so I frankly have no idea what normal is. People are so different. Tons of people live with their boyfriends, lots of my friends are doing it and it is objectively speaking, no big deal. But it is really big to me. It's so entirely new and huge. I have been waiting for this for so long. I don't know what to expect. When I close my eyes and picture it, I can foresee completely different ways in which this can all unfold.
Next monday I go back to school. Back to going through the motions of pretending to be a student who gives a damn about what she is studying. I dread questions about my career, about what kind of law I want to practice. I have no idea why I am in law school. I mean sure, I know why I am there, but I have no good reason for being there. I hope it will all somehow fall into place, but I am not optimistic enough to believe that I will ever be truly satisfied professionally speaking. I am a smart, intelligent person. So certainly I could not have been a hairdresser or something equally mind-numbing. I graduated from an Ivy League college. But that's about it. There's nothing that I want to do (professionally speaking), there is nothing that I am itching to accomplish. I am lost in this, just as I have always been lost. I don't want to work. But I also don't want to not work. At my job this past summer I hated the feeling of being confined to an office for some set number of hours each day (heck - for majority of hours in a day!). But there's no way around it I guess. Unless I become a professor, but I am neither smart enough nor driven enough to become one. What will become of me? This cannot end well.
It's bad for me to be home and to do nothing all day. I hope I can make it through this week without losing my mind.
posted by SmallWonder at 7:37 PM
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