Must. Stop. Eating.

See.. this is what happens when people tell you how skinny you are. Just now I actually ate an apple and some feta cheese. Together, at the same time. Furthermore, the whole time I was eating it, I was thinking how this is the most disgusting cheese I have ever eaten. But did I stop eating it? Oh no. Certainly not. And in the spirit of honesty, I must mention that earlier today I also consumed a small piece of Ikea cake. And even earlier, I had whatever was left over from the pint of chocolate peanut butter ice cream. And to continue with that whole honesty theme, there was probably about a half of the pint still in there. And for lunch I had russian veal ravioli with lots of sour cream. I hang my head down in shame. In fact, more than shame. I hang it in total and utter disgust and disappointment in myself. The weird thing is, even before I went to cut myself that piece of cake, I was ALREADY feeling a preview of that feeling I always get after I am done eating the cake. I was disappointed in myself as if I have already eaten the cake. I was like that heroin addict or that cheating husband who knows that what he is doing is wrong/bad, and feels the guilt, but just can't stop himself. This is aweful! (I must insert that I really have no idea if heroin addicts feel any guilt). It's easy to diet when you just don't want to eat anything too much, but I am incapable of denying myself when I do want something.

This post was not going to be about food. It was actually going to be about the kickboxing class I attended tonight, and about trying to find a honeymoon destination. It was going to be a complaining post - at least that part I accomplished. Complaining of course, in a way in which other people probably will say "you bitch! I wish I had your problems" sort of way. I mean yeah, poor me, trying to book a luxurious honeymoon and being all tired from reading all the reviews of various gorgeous resorts, I really have it bad! But you see, everything is relative. And unlike communist Russia, in America we all suffer from high expectations and TOO MANY CHOICES. It's not as easy to have choices as it might seem at first glance. I mean seriously - how in the world is one to choose a place to stay for your honeymoon when some people rate a hotel as excellent, while others complain that a palm tree fell on their head while they were relaxing by the pool, giving them a head injury and sparking litigation, in which this reviewer swears that the hotel will pay him everything that he is due (I am serious, I found this actual complaint in a review online. And in response to this review, some other genius actually wrote that certain people are looking for problems and are simply impossible to please!).

In reality, I have narrowed my honeymoon down to two possible destinations - Mexico or Hawaii. I really was dying to go to Costa Rica, but was crushed (again, don't feel too bad for me) to find out that September is in the middle of their rain season. The same seems to be the case for other carribean destinations. And I don't want to go to Europe and be all tired out from sight seeing after a summer of studying for the bar exam. So as far as "lay by the pool, drink pink alcoholic beverages and read trashy books" types of vacations go - I am down to two choices. Hawaii involves a unbearably long flight, and that weighs heavily against it. But Mexico has like a gazillion resorts, regarding which I am simply INCAPABLE of making a choice. And now Vadim has bought into the whole hype (him, of all people!) about how honeymoons are supposed to be special and so we can't just go to SOME place, we must go to some place amazing. Oh the headache!!!

As far as the kickboxing class I went to today, my desire to write about it dissipated half an hour after the class ended - as soon as the endorphins (or whatever they're called) wore off. But I must mention that this insane instructor lady (insane for her speed - she was GOOD) learned my name as I was a first timer, and kept screaming it at the top of her lungs during the entire workout. As in "COME ON ALLA! YOU GO GIRL! YOU KICK IT!" I also must mention (I'll stop soon, I promise) that I quite enjoyed all the kicking. There's a certain sense of satisfactiont that you derive from kicking the shit out of the air in front of you. I am starting to understand Hillary Swank's desire to be a boxer, but then I remember how the movie ended.

Rabbi

The line between religion and business is oh so blurry! Perhaps this is only news to me. As I mentioned yesterday, today I went to meet a rabbi. Well.. I am gathering that just as with wedding dress shopping, you know your rabbi when you see him on you. hehe. I mean when you see him. And I did not see mine tonight. He was a nice man, but I must keep looking. This rabbi charges $500 to perform a wedding ceremony. From what I hear - this is standard fare. I find this funny. Funny because everyone hates lawyers, and lawyers can charge up to $500 per hour (well, this is an extreme case of course, but their fees can, on occasion rise to such a level). As it turns out, the rabbi charges a grand!!! for an hour worth of work. (A grand because a typical ceremony takes only about half an hour). I realize it's not the same, because unlike lawyers rabbis don't perform weddings every day for 10 hours a day, but still. This fee is exorbitant, is it not? I wonder if funerals come cheaper. It would seem that they should not, as they are typically longer and more work for the rabbi. And generally much less pleasant affairs. I am bumming myself out.

Anyway, this rabbi I met tonight was more of a singer than a rabbi. He showed us (my mom and I) and this other couple (not that my mom and I are a couple) who was there rabbi-shopping a video of him performing a ceremony. He was singing his heart out. It was so loud! There was nothing spiritual or personal about this ceremony. The guy was a good singer and he looked very dignified (as my mom kept saying to me afterwards). He was dressed like the Pope - in this white outfit with a white hat. I liked that. But otherwise, it was pretty much just a show, like a musical. Not like a wedding. At least not like I envision my wedding.

Of course, I am not of the persuasion that one should speak their mind when you are shopping around. I am more of a nod, smile, and then leave and say everything you're thinking to whoever you are with variety. And merely show your distaste by not hiring this person or not using their services (I don't want to talk about a Rabbi as just another wedding vendor, but it is unfortunately how this is coming out). But the other couple that was there was of a different persuasion. The girl, who was American, and clearly not used to such russified rabbi practices seemed mortified at what she saw. She said that they were looking for something "simpler", quiter, more spiritual, and more cultured!!! Imagine telling a rabbi that he is not cultured enough for you! That girl has some guts. That is EXACTLY what I was thinking, though, except I would have never been able to say it to the rabbi. Like I said above, he was a nice man and I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. He also had a huge wide screen TV. And his wife wore pants. Is it only me who finds it weird?

Must Update

I have been exceedingly lazy about updating.

I learned many things this weekend. For example: it's great to have people over, because that means that we absolutely must clean the apartment. Certainly there might be other reasons propelling me to clean, but those other reasons are never strong enough to overcome my laziness. For example, for the past week, every time I encountered my bathroom, I made a mental note about having to clean it because it is getting gross. That's a lot of mental notes. And yet, I found myself cleaning it about 2 hours before I had friends come over, of course.

Something else I learned: I am absolutely terrible at schmoozing. Friday night we went to the aforementioned fancy shmancy event, which involved enormous amounts of schmoozing. That part sucked. But the part where several random strangers gave me compliments on how I looked - that part was awfully nice. So because I am terribly vain and this is pretty much all I need to feel happy (at least for the next 3 minutes), let me recount each compliment I got.

1) "May I just say you look absolutely lovely" (this is from a totally random man with whom we weren't even shmoozing)
2) "You look beautiful" (from one of Vadim's bosses - granted, that one was probably an obligatory compliment)
3) (replying to Vadim introduing me as his fiancee) "You have very good taste!"
4 (and my favorite one, from Vadim's drunk relative that I've never met before, who is also a lawyer that happened to be invited to this shin dig) "What are you doing with this guy? How much did he pay you?"

I tried (but failed miserably) to upload pictures of our suave selves. So I shall resort to a true and tried technique. The pictures are here. (But if anyone can explain to me how I can upload pictures in peace - please for blogging sake help me! Flickr.com is not very generous, it only allows me to upload pretty much 3 pictures a month. And the other program I used - Hello - suddenly stopped working as well.)

The Judge's Dinner took place at Waldorff Astoria hotel on Park Ave. The place was so fancy that Vadim (as always) refused to let me ask random strangers take pictures of us. This is why there are no pictures of us together. Waldorff Astoria was swarming with lawyers - about three thousand of them! Isn't that scary? Well, I suppose this means there were only about 1500 lawyers and 1500 spouses/dates. My favorite part of the evening was the guest of honor, the Irish Tenor Ronan Tynan. If you haven't heard of him, you can read a little bit about his amazing life here. He sang, gave a speech, and made a lot of dirty jokes. He made me cry. I'm so happy that the guest of honor was not a lawyer.

Yesterday evening we had a few (8!!) friends over at our apartment. It's a stressful and draining affair having guests. I really wish I could do it all the time, but I have to admit that thus far, it is still daunting for me. Like the whole need to feverishly clean and all the worrying that people don't remain hungry or sober. Vadim and I made a trip to Trader Joe's in the afternoon and bought out the whole store. Oh yes, and did I mention how expensive it is to host parties? But overall, I think it went pretty well. All the Trader Joe hors d'ouevres were gone, we had amazing desert (with choices ranging from 3(!!!) flavors of good ice cream, apple and chocolate pies), and everyone seemed quite drunk and mellow (especially Vadim, who was starting to get inappropriately frisky). I was going to post some drunken pictures, but alas, I cannot. But here are some of them the shutterfly way.

Today we went to Brooklyn to get Vadim's taxes done. I learned that an unemployed wife is a real asset to a husband in a high tax bracket. In fact, the accountant told me not to look for a job until after January 2006. Don't worry mom, I am not going to listen. And yes, she was joking (I think). After the taxes, we met my parents in a lovely French Bistro called Quercy, where they treated us to an amazing early dinner. The dinner included venison, scallops, foie gras and other similarly delectable dishes. (My parents rock!!! And not just because they paid for dinner of course.) If Time Out NY is not lying, then 10 percent of the cost of our meal is going to be donated to the Food Bank for NYC.

Tomorrow I am going to interview... I mean meet a rabbi who might perform the ceremony for my wedding. His secretary called me to arrange a meeting. Am I the only person who is surprised that rabbis have personal secretaries?

And finally, this morning when we were leaving our apartment, there were two detectives ourside of our building. They held up their badges and asked if we know our neighbor in one of the apartments. We did not. But we opened the door for them and they went inside. Isn't it lovely? There is an "investigated" person living in my building. And I think it's this fairly creepy looking guy. The only one who does not smile and say hello.

I do feel better, and thank you to those who were worried about me!
I think this is what separates me from those other, less fortunate ones, who suffer from actual depression - mine never lasts too long. It's more like a short-term funk. I've been pretty busy this past weekend and today with stupid things, like worrying about what to wear to the fancy-shmany affair that we're going to on Friday, and taking the Ethics exam (which I daresay I am pretty sure I passed this time) and changing my mind last minute about what wedding invitations to order. And when you're busy with minute little things, I think it always tends to make you feel better. Or perhaps you just don't have the time to feel bad or to think about how bad you feel.

Today I went to the gym - I haven't been in a week, due to the much too much talked about (perhaps not on this blog, but in general) stomach virus. It was a fairly pathetic work-out, but I figure I am easing into it. It sucks that after only a week's break, I need to be getting my endurance back up. After I came home from the gym, Vadim (whom I asked to stop by the store to pick up some half&half for my coffee) surprised me by also picking up Haagen Dazs Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream, which is my absolute favorite flavor on earth. I don't say this lightly - I am very brand (and flavor) loyal when it comes to ice cream. And in case it's not clear yet, my whole aversion to food is O. V. E. R. Damn it. I think it's cruel to have bought that ice cream. But it is absolutely divine.

While doing laundry today, I encountered the Crazy Lady of our building complex. She totally freaked me out. She was one of those murmuring-to-herself.. scratch that. She was actually murmuring to me, I was just trying so very hard to pretend that I could not hear her. She told me that the dryer works. And when I looked puzzled as to why she was telling me this, she said "I am proud of who I am". I was totally lost, I thought perhaps this is going to lead to some story about her life, and how she has worked hard for 55 years, and some little pompous bitch like myself won't even give her the courtesy of answering her when she speaks to me. But what she meant was that there are some people out there in the world, who will not tell you if a dryer is broken. But she is the good kind of folk, who will be so thoughtful as to tell you the truth. She then mumbled something about how you can't trust these machines, with all thems new ones like cell phones and computers coming into play. I bet she had no idea that I would skip upstairs and post about her on one of thems computers! hee hee

Here we go

Such a boring old subject, but.. nevertheless here it is: I am feeling shitty. As in depressed, unhappy, and utterly apathetic. How it is manifested: I walk around all day with the same two thoughts running through my mind - 1)"I just want to go to bed" and 2)"I just don't care". Even when I am in bed, I still have that same thought about just wanting to be in bed, which makes me feel that absolutely nothing can make me happy, not even being in bed, which is what I seem to think would make me happy when I am not in it. I also have trouble making myself get out of bed every morning, even when I have had adequate hours of sleep, and when I do finally get up, I feel "like I've been run over by a truck". I really couldn't have come up with a better description, regardless of how overused this one is.

Maybe it has something to do with how I had a stomach virus 2 days ago and was throwing up, which hasn't happened to me in years. In fact, I never throw up, the last time it happened was when I was 19 years old, and it was the first time I ever got drunk in college. And not even once since then, until now. And even though I haven't thrown up for 2 days, I still feel nauseous and all out of sorts all the time. I don't know what I am allowed to eat, I don't know if I even want to eat. It is very confusing, considering how much I love food, and how I can always count on food to make me feel better, not to make me feel miserable. Although this is not true either - food always makes me feel better, and right after I eat it - miserable. But this is a whole separate blog post. This whole stomach virus business is very strange for me. It's not my disorder of choice.

Just another saturday

What I did not do today
- Study for the ethics exam. Although there is still a chance. I intend to start as soon as I finish this entry. No, really. I cannot fail the ethics exam twice.

- Attend Jasey's party. I'm sorry Jason! We have to go to the city tomorrow night (we have tickets to a piano concert at Carnegie Hall) and we just don't have the energy to go in two nights in a row. I know, I'm terrible.

What I did do today
- I ran 5 miles. Big deal, since although I have been able to run 5 miles before, I haven't gotten back up to that mileage since before the new year. I've been able to do 3, sometimes 4, but not 5. It feels so good to be back at 5!

- I washed my car, for the first time since I've moved. Observation: car washes in Queens are 20 times more crowded than they are in Staten Island.

- I made Vadim put up that huge picture of us that I mentioned in my last entry. We decided against having us watch over us as we sleep, and so instead the picture is next to the window:



It actually doesn't look as huge as I originally thought.

- I made a FINAL decision on our wedding invitations. Unless I change my mind again. Friday I picked up two gigantic albums of wedding invitations from my friend's father (who is kind enough to do them for me at cost, which is amazing). I went through both albums and narrowed the choices down to about 7 invitations. I then uploaded the chosen invitations and emailed them to both sets of parents. We then had parental phone conversations about who likes which invitation the best. I get tired just going over this in my head! After making a final choice, I called Dashi, who preferred one of the invitations which I prefered about 15 minutes before I called her, but which I had since been talked out of. Dashi then expressed disappointment that her opinion is not being counted. Which just makes me throw up my hands in the air (not in a truly exasperated way, but just in a "this is too funny for me to be really upset" way). Because to think that I have to have concensus of myself, Vadim, our parents and close relatives and Dashi - how is that ever ever going to happen? Thank goodness that, at least, I only showed everybody 7 invitations, and that we weren't all picking from the HUNDREDS that I have had to look through.

- I then had to write up an order form for the invitations, invitation envelopes, response cards and their envelopes, and thank you cards and their envelopes. I also had to come up with the invitation text, and the response card text, and the "thank you" card text. And nobody better have any input on my beautiful text. (I'm just kidding mom - please input. But just you).

- I drank 2 glasses of water. In a row. Because water is good for you. But now I am not so sure that drinking 2 glasses in a row is so good.

What I will (hopefully) do do tomorrow
- Go to the hugest Macy's ever (Herald Square) in order to buy Vadim a tuxedo to wear both to the fancy lawyer event in 2 weeks, and to the wedding. And also to have him see me in the fancy dress, from 2 entries ago, because I am having second thoughts about it. It's tough having to constantly be making not-so-important decisions: invitations, dress, etc. I'm sleepy. Time to study.

Here's a picture that I had taken today so that I can get in and attempt to take my ethics exam, for the SECOND time. For some reason I like it, I am not sure why. I feel like I don't look like myself lately. Like when I look in the mirror and then I look at this picture, I see two different people. I guess it means I'm getting older. There are white specs all over the picture, but that is because our scanner sucks, and it's not the picture's fault.



Since I killed the plant that Dasha gave me, my mom recommended that I go for plants that are much more resilient. So here they are.



In case anyone is wondering, that is Al Pacino in The Devil's Advocate on the screen, in between my adorable little plants. I love Al Pacino.

Next household project is curtains and book shelves. I finally bought a frame today to put in this huge poster of Vadim and I that I ordered online months and months ago. He's really embarassed to have such a large version of himself hanging on the wall, so he requested that we put it up in the bedroom, and not in the living room, so as to minimize the chance of other people seeing it. So I agreed to put it up over our bed, so we'll be watching over ourselves as we sleep. Is that weird?

Yesterday I skipped my evening class, and instead I attended a "dance fitness" class at my gym, where we did aerobicized salsa, tango, and samba. I was so good, that it made me think how I definitely missed my calling in life. I should have been an aerobics instructor. I always think this whenever I take an aerobics class. Aerobics is much more fun than law. In fact, I don't know when was the last time I had as much fun as I did dancing yesterday. The weird thing is, when you feel such a surge of energy, you think it's going to last you for hours and hours. But really it fades after about 15 minutes. A shame.

As for food news, I made borscht again yesterday, but it was less exciting the second time around. Vadim, though, made some terrific chilly. I forgot to take a picture of it, and we already ate it, so it's too late for that. Tonight, however, we went out for some sushi, and finally discovered an excellent sushi place in our neighborhood - it was our third try.

Dress

Today I bought this dress:


Isn't it super beautiful? I like how it looks on me more than on this girl. It's actually much more dressy and "wow" looking in peson. Vadim and I are going to some kind of fancy shmancy lawyers event soon, in connection with his job, held at a fancy hotel. Since this evening will involve shmoozing with lawyers, pretty much the only exciting thing for me to look forward to is buying and wearing this dress (and all the free food and alcohol). I cannot possibly put into words what a joyous feeling it is to try on dresses after having lost some weight. I wanted to buy all the dresses I tried on. It's amazing what the right clothes can do for a woman. I want to have a salary so I can buy shitloads of really expensive ones. Shallow, I know, but I can't help it!