It's so strange how we just move on from one stage in life to the next without any transitions and before we know it, we're settled into a whole new pattern and our old routine seems unimaginable. The thrill of a new beginning never lasts for too long. The appreciation doesn't stick around. It's too bad.
I am both looking forward to and dreading my wedding. I have a feeling (expectation, hope?) that it is going to be amazing. I think I am going to be on top of the world. I will feel loved, beautiful, unbelievably lucky, the center of the universe. Which is precisely why I dread it. After an experience like that, there is nowhere to go but down. I know that after it will be over, I will feel lost. Not sure where to go next, what to look forward to. But this is nothing new. It's the same exact thing every time something ends: college graduation, passing exams, etc..
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When I look in the mirror, for the first time in many many years, I can see my ribs. I now weigh less than I did when I was 12 years old. (I remember how much I weighed at 12 because the doctor made some comment about how it's too much for my age). It is fucking fantastic. And also fairly simple. You know what they say: "just add sugar". Well, for me I guess it comes down to "just subtract sugar". I have absolutely no hope of being able to maintain this for the rest of my life. It's really easy now. I look at sweets and I say to myself "I am not allowed". If I have this, my dress won't fit, or it will come apart at the seams. (And after my last fitting, I'm really sure that it would if I gained even an ounce.) Not even a bite, not even a tiny little bit. Because for me, having 1 bite is never enough. Just like any addict. One bite will inevitably turn into eating the whole thing. That's why the only way to accomplish this is to never allow yourself the first bite. And after you conquer that first bite desire, it is really not that hard. I don't know why I've never realized that before..
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I just read Sue Miller's book "Lost in the Forest," which I swallowed in 2 days. I liked the book, but it depressed me. I don't even know how to describe the book, except to say that it's about life, and how everything in life is fleeting. Aren't there tons of books about this same thing? About how if you look deep into someone's life, you will discover so much unhapiness and sorrow, even though things seem alright from the outside? I am not sure what to take away from a book like that. That it's ok to expect life to be full of disappointments? I think that's probably it.
I am both looking forward to and dreading my wedding. I have a feeling (expectation, hope?) that it is going to be amazing. I think I am going to be on top of the world. I will feel loved, beautiful, unbelievably lucky, the center of the universe. Which is precisely why I dread it. After an experience like that, there is nowhere to go but down. I know that after it will be over, I will feel lost. Not sure where to go next, what to look forward to. But this is nothing new. It's the same exact thing every time something ends: college graduation, passing exams, etc..
--
When I look in the mirror, for the first time in many many years, I can see my ribs. I now weigh less than I did when I was 12 years old. (I remember how much I weighed at 12 because the doctor made some comment about how it's too much for my age). It is fucking fantastic. And also fairly simple. You know what they say: "just add sugar". Well, for me I guess it comes down to "just subtract sugar". I have absolutely no hope of being able to maintain this for the rest of my life. It's really easy now. I look at sweets and I say to myself "I am not allowed". If I have this, my dress won't fit, or it will come apart at the seams. (And after my last fitting, I'm really sure that it would if I gained even an ounce.) Not even a bite, not even a tiny little bit. Because for me, having 1 bite is never enough. Just like any addict. One bite will inevitably turn into eating the whole thing. That's why the only way to accomplish this is to never allow yourself the first bite. And after you conquer that first bite desire, it is really not that hard. I don't know why I've never realized that before..
---
I just read Sue Miller's book "Lost in the Forest," which I swallowed in 2 days. I liked the book, but it depressed me. I don't even know how to describe the book, except to say that it's about life, and how everything in life is fleeting. Aren't there tons of books about this same thing? About how if you look deep into someone's life, you will discover so much unhapiness and sorrow, even though things seem alright from the outside? I am not sure what to take away from a book like that. That it's ok to expect life to be full of disappointments? I think that's probably it.
posted by SmallWonder at 10:38 AM
6 Comments:
"After an experience like that, there is nowhere to go but down."
The days go only where you take them. Good to remember in a marriage. Someday soon the ceremony and party will seem utterly insignficant when compared to an emotion of wholeness that will sweep over you while you are just there, next to your husband, in the most mundane circumstance.
More unsolicited cliche advice from a total stranger: You are responsible for your own good time.
I know how you feel with the weight thing. Cutting out carbs has been the most effective way for me to lose weight. Last year I shed 10 pounds in 5 weeks and kept it off for a long time. However, for various reasons, I've gained at least 5 back. The holidays have not helped. Jason has been really supportive and does not run away from me screaming, but it still depresses me to no end. (Maybe I should put a blog entry in on this...)
Oh god - i totally am gaining the weight back, I'm not posting online how much but definitely it is coming back!! And it is sooooo depressing :(. You are right about the holidays being part of the problem, so I just keep telling myself that after the New Year, I'll whip myself back into shape.
I think I know what lake you run around since I grew up about half a mile from it. After Jason and I get into a running groove, I'd be happy to be a running buddy when my company isn't shipping me off to God-knows-where. :)
Oh that would be great to have a running buddy! I got Vadim to go with me a total of 2 times and that was the end of it :). Although - right now I am so out of the whole exercise groove, I probably couldn't run around that lake more than once.. Where are they shipping you off to?
Kansas friggin City :( It is a pain in the @$$ of a commute
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