scared
Hi people,
Long time no write. I really don't have a good opener for this, so here goes: I am pregnant. A little over 10 weeks. [insert some kind of exclamatory symbol in here, even though I've known for quite a while, and right at this very moment I am not feeling particularly chipper, although generally I am very excited blah blah blah]. I guess in non-pregnant people terms 10 weeks is two and a half months, but as I learned, everything is translated into weeks. And every few weeks you reach some new scary milestone. Like for instance - at 13 weeks, I have to have some kind of test which checks the fetus for various diseases, like downe syndrome. And that test will involve taking my blood via a finger-prick (that sounds strangely dirty). This whole finger prick blood test business brings back some awful childhood memories for me. I was a very sickly child, who frequented doctors and was often subjected to these torturous finger-pricks. And it hurt! Now i haven't had this done in probably over 20 years, but I think I'm just as scared today as I was back then. Which is pretty ridiculous when you think about the fact that I will have to somehow come to terms with having to give birth. And i'm scared of having blood taken from my finger. Another ridiculous part is that I'm sure I should be more scared of the test results. But I'm really not going to let my already-inflamed brain go there. So as I was saying. Scary milestones. At 20 weeks the baby is supposed to start kicking. And what if it doesn't? I imagine that's pretty scary. And at some other week - there are some other scary tests. You get the point..
This pregnancy has been extremely stressful until about 2 weeks ago. First there was the (i assume) "normal" stress of "what have I gotten myself into??" and "can I handle this?". Then there was the stess about "oh my god how can I give birth? do things rip? What about ripping and tearing, and being sawn back up? Just thinking about it makes me want to faint, how can I actually do it?" Then there was some stress about picking a doctor, going to a horrible doctor, then switching to a good doctor, and all the in-between. And then there was the stress of being erroneously told (by the horrible doctor's secretary) that I have an incurable disease that might destroy my liver. So after a week of thinking how suddenly I've become this sick person with diseased blood, and then finding out that actually "oops", I am healthy afterall - I was so ecstatic that the previous "what am I getting myself into, how do I give birth this is horror" worries sort of disappeared, and a strange euphoria settled itself all around me. I was just floating on air, thinking "I don't have a horrible disease! I am healthy! I am just pregnant! Yei! Let's think of baby names! This is so exciting!" And i thought - with this weight being lifted off my shoulders, how dare I worry about a little tiny thing called labor and delivery? I should go to a house of worship and thank some higher being for making this nightmare go away. And I didn't worry. At least not for the past 2 weeks.
But now I am back. The crazy me is back. I knew it. I knew this appreciation of my recently-lost, and just as recently-found health wouldn't last forever. So I am back to being PETRIFIED. Of giving birth, of breast-feeing, of all of it. And did I mention that the internet is bad? It is very bad. You can read all kinds of scary things. Like right now I have just finished reading a ton of message boards about what it's like to have a c-section. To lie there awake while you are being cut open, and all the good parts - like you can start breast-feeding while they're sawing you back up. "how great is that". or something. MY GOD!!! And speaking of breast-feeding. I know I shouldn't, but I'm sure next I'll move on to reading about cracked and bleeding nipples, and how the baby latching on is a feeling that may only be compared with being stabbled with a knife (this was told to me by a friend who knows better than to tell me the truth about these things).
But don't get me wrong. I am very happy to be pregnant. Really I am. No really.
Long time no write. I really don't have a good opener for this, so here goes: I am pregnant. A little over 10 weeks. [insert some kind of exclamatory symbol in here, even though I've known for quite a while, and right at this very moment I am not feeling particularly chipper, although generally I am very excited blah blah blah]. I guess in non-pregnant people terms 10 weeks is two and a half months, but as I learned, everything is translated into weeks. And every few weeks you reach some new scary milestone. Like for instance - at 13 weeks, I have to have some kind of test which checks the fetus for various diseases, like downe syndrome. And that test will involve taking my blood via a finger-prick (that sounds strangely dirty). This whole finger prick blood test business brings back some awful childhood memories for me. I was a very sickly child, who frequented doctors and was often subjected to these torturous finger-pricks. And it hurt! Now i haven't had this done in probably over 20 years, but I think I'm just as scared today as I was back then. Which is pretty ridiculous when you think about the fact that I will have to somehow come to terms with having to give birth. And i'm scared of having blood taken from my finger. Another ridiculous part is that I'm sure I should be more scared of the test results. But I'm really not going to let my already-inflamed brain go there. So as I was saying. Scary milestones. At 20 weeks the baby is supposed to start kicking. And what if it doesn't? I imagine that's pretty scary. And at some other week - there are some other scary tests. You get the point..
This pregnancy has been extremely stressful until about 2 weeks ago. First there was the (i assume) "normal" stress of "what have I gotten myself into??" and "can I handle this?". Then there was the stess about "oh my god how can I give birth? do things rip? What about ripping and tearing, and being sawn back up? Just thinking about it makes me want to faint, how can I actually do it?" Then there was some stress about picking a doctor, going to a horrible doctor, then switching to a good doctor, and all the in-between. And then there was the stress of being erroneously told (by the horrible doctor's secretary) that I have an incurable disease that might destroy my liver. So after a week of thinking how suddenly I've become this sick person with diseased blood, and then finding out that actually "oops", I am healthy afterall - I was so ecstatic that the previous "what am I getting myself into, how do I give birth this is horror" worries sort of disappeared, and a strange euphoria settled itself all around me. I was just floating on air, thinking "I don't have a horrible disease! I am healthy! I am just pregnant! Yei! Let's think of baby names! This is so exciting!" And i thought - with this weight being lifted off my shoulders, how dare I worry about a little tiny thing called labor and delivery? I should go to a house of worship and thank some higher being for making this nightmare go away. And I didn't worry. At least not for the past 2 weeks.
But now I am back. The crazy me is back. I knew it. I knew this appreciation of my recently-lost, and just as recently-found health wouldn't last forever. So I am back to being PETRIFIED. Of giving birth, of breast-feeing, of all of it. And did I mention that the internet is bad? It is very bad. You can read all kinds of scary things. Like right now I have just finished reading a ton of message boards about what it's like to have a c-section. To lie there awake while you are being cut open, and all the good parts - like you can start breast-feeding while they're sawing you back up. "how great is that". or something. MY GOD!!! And speaking of breast-feeding. I know I shouldn't, but I'm sure next I'll move on to reading about cracked and bleeding nipples, and how the baby latching on is a feeling that may only be compared with being stabbled with a knife (this was told to me by a friend who knows better than to tell me the truth about these things).
But don't get me wrong. I am very happy to be pregnant. Really I am. No really.
posted by SmallWonder at 9:20 PM
4 comments
